I hate crushes

I haven’t had a real crush in forever. I don’t like relationships. It's weird because I loved the idea of relationships and always wanted a boyfriend. I have dated 2 guys since I turned 13 and now 3-4 years later I don't want a boyfriend. I flirt with guys, I liked guys since my last relationship but not like a crush type of like. The crush is like a weird euphoria, the awkward glances, the delusion that he is staring at you, the fear of talking to him. When I like a guy now I feel like I'm back to 12 years old and scared to do anything. I think the idea is stupid especially when its crush before a type of connection is bonded. Like yes I never spoke a word to you, yes we have one class together that's how we know of another and yes I like you! It's a stupid concept, we envision the guy up in our heads to the point that's who we think they are. I don’t want a boyfriend, I could tell you in depth about the different points of life perspective and with high school coming to an end. But I think I’m scared of being drained again, scared of the petty highschool arguments “OMG YOU WENT TO THE MALL WITH THE GUY WHO YOU HAVE BEEN STRICTLY FRIENDS WITH YEARS!! THE ONE WHO YOU HAD BEEN SINGLE AT THE SAME TIME AND STILL NOTHING HAPPENED!?”

 Its stupid the constant need for attention and stroking insecurities these guys need when I myself want a life outside of them. I don’t want to date unless they have the same values as me. The fact we live completely separate lives but still make time for another. The last guy I truly connected with was at a different point of life but we hung out almost every weekend we talked but it wasn’t every second. He had his negatives that guy and he will never be an ‘ex’ but he existed for sure. It's weird though I was still a loving relationship wanting girl until I met Alex (not his real name). Alex was avoidant of relationships. You know the movie 'He's just not that into you’ perfectly describes me and Alex but no fairy tale ending. Alex made me realise the values of being single and how I don't want to go back to how it was. The way I see it is a situationship isn’t your partner so none of the arguments you would have if you're dating, no messy break up and you never have to be fully in never have to have the fear concur your feelings. This guy in my class exchanged small words and now I’m down a spiral of what I want in a relationship. I think I like him too much if this is the state.

50 days left

Today marks the end of term 1. This term I was in school for 3 weeks out of 10 and I feel useless in a way. I didn't contribute much to classes as I was focused on just catching up more than anything. So what do I have to show for 3 weeks of classes? I have friendships that don't feel genuine and certain people I'm too shy to talk to. But I also have new understanding on concepts I had never known about and my art doesn't feel shallow, I feel connected to the pieces I make. I feel unattached to almost everything and everyone. But being unattached I feel like we associate with cold and shallow but I think we ignore the feeling of peace and calm our life not defined by certain people. Why do people let romance consume them and their identity. If you yearn for a relationship you need to be single. The moment you don't want someone is the moment you should date, when at peace with loneliness you will never be happier. I couldn't date someone even if I really did like him because I know we are at different points in our lives. I finish school in 50 days and I want to travel and to move away I don't want to doubt my decision for a relationship.  Stop flirting and be at peace with yourself and trust they will come to you if it is meant to be. Don't chase what the world thinks we need to be happy chase the future you want.

What does being good at art mean?

People shit on modern art as they think its people making paintings in a few minutes and giving it some bullshit meaning. I bring this to your attention because of an art exhibition in my home town. My art teacher told me about it originally and asked for people to raise their hand, I slowly raised my hand. I have this thing where I look down on my art so I wondered did people think my work would be good enough? I was the only student to do it so I felt like people might care. I doubt my work a lot but I think it's because people say everything looks good without constructive criticism so I be extra harsh on myself to make up for all the positivity. 

I hear a lot of people say artists don't see the true beauty of their work and I agree. The reason I agreed is I doubt myself if it works out it could be the greatest thing ever and if it fails I have the rejection sting. If I am so unsure why would I agree to it? I heard someone once say if you knew after 500 rejections you would get a yes you would be excited at each rejection as you know for a fact you were close to that yes. That stuck with me like glue, It's poetic in a way. I guess those words make rejection less daunting cause if I believe in the work I’ll eventually get a yes. 

The piece is on Identity, something I feel I’m only now discovering myself. Each layer of the painting is a metaphor which kinda changes my perspective on a few things. Metaphors we can't understand exist within art so maybe modern art isn’t as bullshit as we think. My piece is due by May the 1st and I’m excited for what it could bring. 

At the end of the period my teacher announced this, I went to talk to her and I overheard her trying to convince someone, this kid she tried to convince was worried about being judged. I saw their work, they are so talented but the fear of being judged still lingers which puts in perspective how we let our fears define us. This person may never know if their work would have gotten into the exhibition which is unfortunate. Think of the times you have not done something because you were worried and imagine what could have happened, the good side and the bad.

Holding ourselves back

 Tomorrow is day 53 until I finish high school. 53 days left in those classrooms, in 3 days school break starts then the last 50 days begin. In those last 50 days I’m gonna do whatever I can and put myself out there as much as I can. I used to think certain things defined me. How I dress, talk, act, the classes I take I thought they mattered to people's opinions. But people are cruel, especially high schoolers. What they care about is the latest gossip and making things up to make them look better. I used to let worthless things define me and talk about gossip like what ‘my friends’ wanted until I realised I didn’t like who I was. I felt boy crazy and gossip girl and that's not what I want to be. I'm changing to be the person I want to be and not letting people define me. Over these 50 days at high school I want to show people what they can achieve by putting themselves out there and not caring what people think. One thing I want whoever is reading this to take away from my writing is what you can do in 50 days and how it's not too late to make the most of high school as long as you stop letting people define what you want to do. Always remember high school is this small fraction of our lives and if the people who you are scared of judging and not in your life 10 years from now why care?

You have to make 2 people proud

I once heard someone say the only thing that matters is making 2 people proud, your younger self and your older self. I hate that statement cause everyday I think of it I know she wouldn't approve. When I was younger I held my future self to such a high standard, a life I thought I had to have for people to be proud of me. It didn't matter to her if she was proud of herself cause her life revolved around everyone else's opinion. When I was young I thought to be happy was to have the best grades, to be popular and to have a boyfriend. This year after my 17th birthday will be my final day of school ever, as of this year I drop out. This year I started a new school hoping I could find something there although I hated it when I popular, when I was a loner I still kinda hoped for something more. Unsurprisingly I didn't find a sudden meaning for me to stay in school. I know its not the best decision but when I wasn't in school for 6 few weeks I felt at peace and then I saw this side of the world I so desperately desire for. I know what I want and now I'll do what it takes to get to that point. But of course younger me wouldn't approve she thinks friends and school define you and matter the most. But I have 1 true friend that isn't just someone I talk to in class or someone who is a family friend. Zane is my best friend and out of any friendship I have in high school he's the one person whose friendship I want to stick around. School doesn't teach me what I want or need to know for my future. See younger me would want more from me, she would be wondering what will people think? I don't want to make her proud because she her perspectives on the world are so vastly different to my present. Rather than make someone else proud, or a past or future version I don't know why we don't try make present self proud. Live for ourselves rather than how we are told to live.