What does being good at art mean?

People shit on modern art as they think its people making paintings in a few minutes and giving it some bullshit meaning. I bring this to your attention because of an art exhibition in my home town. My art teacher told me about it originally and asked for people to raise their hand, I slowly raised my hand. I have this thing where I look down on my art so I wondered did people think my work would be good enough? I was the only student to do it so I felt like people might care. I doubt my work a lot but I think it's because people say everything looks good without constructive criticism so I be extra harsh on myself to make up for all the positivity. 

I hear a lot of people say artists don't see the true beauty of their work and I agree. The reason I agreed is I doubt myself if it works out it could be the greatest thing ever and if it fails I have the rejection sting. If I am so unsure why would I agree to it? I heard someone once say if you knew after 500 rejections you would get a yes you would be excited at each rejection as you know for a fact you were close to that yes. That stuck with me like glue, It's poetic in a way. I guess those words make rejection less daunting cause if I believe in the work I’ll eventually get a yes. 

The piece is on Identity, something I feel I’m only now discovering myself. Each layer of the painting is a metaphor which kinda changes my perspective on a few things. Metaphors we can't understand exist within art so maybe modern art isn’t as bullshit as we think. My piece is due by May the 1st and I’m excited for what it could bring. 

At the end of the period my teacher announced this, I went to talk to her and I overheard her trying to convince someone, this kid she tried to convince was worried about being judged. I saw their work, they are so talented but the fear of being judged still lingers which puts in perspective how we let our fears define us. This person may never know if their work would have gotten into the exhibition which is unfortunate. Think of the times you have not done something because you were worried and imagine what could have happened, the good side and the bad.

Holding ourselves back

 Tomorrow is day 53 until I finish high school. 53 days left in those classrooms, in 3 days school break starts then the last 50 days begin. In those last 50 days I’m gonna do whatever I can and put myself out there as much as I can. I used to think certain things defined me. How I dress, talk, act, the classes I take I thought they mattered to people's opinions. But people are cruel, especially high schoolers. What they care about is the latest gossip and making things up to make them look better. I used to let worthless things define me and talk about gossip like what ‘my friends’ wanted until I realised I didn’t like who I was. I felt boy crazy and gossip girl and that's not what I want to be. I'm changing to be the person I want to be and not letting people define me. Over these 50 days at high school I want to show people what they can achieve by putting themselves out there and not caring what people think. One thing I want whoever is reading this to take away from my writing is what you can do in 50 days and how it's not too late to make the most of high school as long as you stop letting people define what you want to do. Always remember high school is this small fraction of our lives and if the people who you are scared of judging and not in your life 10 years from now why care?

You have to make 2 people proud

I once heard someone say the only thing that matters is making 2 people proud, your younger self and your older self. I hate that statement cause everyday I think of it I know she wouldn't approve. When I was younger I held my future self to such a high standard, a life I thought I had to have for people to be proud of me. It didn't matter to her if she was proud of herself cause her life revolved around everyone else's opinion. When I was young I thought to be happy was to have the best grades, to be popular and to have a boyfriend. This year after my 17th birthday will be my final day of school ever, as of this year I drop out. This year I started a new school hoping I could find something there although I hated it when I popular, when I was a loner I still kinda hoped for something more. Unsurprisingly I didn't find a sudden meaning for me to stay in school. I know its not the best decision but when I wasn't in school for 6 few weeks I felt at peace and then I saw this side of the world I so desperately desire for. I know what I want and now I'll do what it takes to get to that point. But of course younger me wouldn't approve she thinks friends and school define you and matter the most. But I have 1 true friend that isn't just someone I talk to in class or someone who is a family friend. Zane is my best friend and out of any friendship I have in high school he's the one person whose friendship I want to stick around. School doesn't teach me what I want or need to know for my future. See younger me would want more from me, she would be wondering what will people think? I don't want to make her proud because she her perspectives on the world are so vastly different to my present. Rather than make someone else proud, or a past or future version I don't know why we don't try make present self proud. Live for ourselves rather than how we are told to live.